Marital conflict itself is not a mental disorder; however, it can lead to various mental health conditions amongst which depression is the most commonly noted disorder. Conflicts in relationships are not uncommon and they are not restricted to marriages either. Every relationship goes through difficult times but probably marriage conflicts are more serious as two people in conflict have to live together (whether they wish or not) unless it’s a conscious decision to stay apart. Conflict between couples in a marriage needs to be identified and addressed as early as possible. The more you build up conflicts, the more time they take to resolve. When people reach out to a mental health professional, it’s the first step towards regaining the harmony in their relationship and they feel ready and responsible to bring out the change.

There can be various reasons why marriages suffer from conflict, and why two people are unable to cope up with each other despite being in so much love at one point of time in their lives. It could be the trust that is broken by one partner; it could be the unmet promises that were made initially in the marriage; it could be the family environment or interference of other people in a marriage; or the temperament of spouse that leads to misbehavior, bitter conversations, unpleasant remarks, judgmental attitude, complaining behavior, and denial to accept the problem and work upon it. No matter what the reasons are, if a coupe identifies and admits the issues they can be surely addressed. A situation may not be changed, past events and episodes may not be reversed, betrayal by the partner may not be overlooked; however, one thing that can be worked out is the way to look at the issues, and reflect them to the partner in appropriate way. Arguments and disagreements between couples will always be a part of marriage. It’s difficult to avoid a fight in a conflicting relationship; however, there is always a scope to learn healthy ways of fighting.

Following are some simple tips that can help to deal with a conflicting situation:

1. Staying in the present and avoiding bringing past issues in a discussion can be helpful. Sometimes, one partner in the marriage agrees to his/her previous mistakes or wrong decisions; however, changing them may not be possible once they happen. If there is a fight for recent issue, try to focus only on that rather than bringing all past issues in the conversation just to weigh your logic heavier than your partner.
2. Learn to be responsive than being reactive. During a hot discussion it’s obvious to lose temper and answer back your partner; however, practicing a few things can help like, before answering your partner, take a pause, analyze your feelings about what has been said, reflect your understanding to your partner, and then give your response based on that.
3. Don’t compare each other’s gains or losses. Our understanding of gains and losses varies based on our temperament, and our partner has his/her own temperament. So in their view their problems will always be bigger than us and our gains will always be bigger than theirs. In marriage, things are mutual than individual. Bargain enough with your partner to get what you want, and ask about their wish as well.
4. Try to finish an issue and avoid being in denial. Sometimes during an argument one partner surrenders saying “I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to discuss it any further, I can’t explain everything to you so it’s better that we leave the conversation here”. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed in an argument situation; however, it’s better to take a pause, deep breath and start the conversation again. Try not to linger on a topic and finish it by the end of day. You may not reach to the solution always, but try not to close a topic unless it reaches to a satisfactory point of discussion.
5. Learn to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective towards a situation. You may not agree with their perspective always; however, a genuine effort to understand their point of view will help to build emotional support and trust in your relationship.
6. Realizing each other’s efforts to make the other one happy and showing gratitude towards them is one major thing which is lacking in a marital conflict. Coupes during conflict tend to focus only on things that were denied or not done by their partners; however, learning to show gratitude for the things that were done in your favor can bring significant changes in a relationship. Gratitude journaling is a way to keep record of all good things done by your partner and review them in times when you feel that there is nothing that your partner ever did for you.
7. Keep the communication channel open to convey and accept any type of conversation. Try not to judge your partner for what s/he says, and don’t hesitate either to reflect your own thoughts or feelings.

These are some behavioral practices that can be made a part of daily conversations between couples to deal with conflicting situations. It takes a conscious effort to constantly be aware of the situations and the ways of dealing with them. These changes in conversations can’t be achieved in one or two days, they might take a lot of time to practice and implement; however, genuine efforts can surely bring out the desirable changes.

For queries related to this issue or any other mental health concern feel free to reach out to me at info@talktocure.com

Neelam Verma, Clinical Psychologist